Finally realized!

yesterday I was very upset. I released all my stress and negative emotions by shouting, crying, singing... And now I feel relieved and light. happier... too. Now I have more space and peace in my heart and mind to think things clearly/properly.

I want my friendships back! I have ruin it myself and I must fix it!! My attitude is always the problem that makes my close friends upset. (at least that's what some of them told me...). So, I decide to change myself just as I wrote in my previous post. But at that time, I didn't really know what EXCATLY should I change! The way I talk? The things I say? My facial expression?? That's what I thought...

Attitude... what kinda attitude...? I have only rough idea... attitude ma... so I thought it's just the way I speak, so I try to change the way I speak, be very careful of the words I use, not to talk when I am not sure about the topic, be silent when I know I have the potential to end the conversation. But still... somehow I felt the friendships are getting worse! Oh hell!

When I talk, they don't response; when I silent, they thought I am emo or something, not dare to come close to me... oh gosh... My facial expression tell ya I am emo? My face/outlook/expression... is the only thing I can't change!! I don't want to fake smile all the time... do you want to see me fake smiling all the time? I beg you don't want to. It's FAKE! Talking is not right, being silent is also not right. I am really speechless.

Until yesterday, I finally realize what's the main thing that caused my friends upset to me, the "attitude" they meant was, one word, SERIOUS. I am a very serious person! That's the thing! Too serious! I am serious! Even when I am chatting to a friend or even when making jokes!!

Oh dear... how can someone cope with people that so damn SERIOUS about everything? No fun anymore lo, that serious.... don't ya think?

So, this time, I am going to change myself this way: take away the serious part of me. Try to just relax~~ it's just a chat! It's just a joke! It's just a hang out session! My friends just wanna share/express their experience, opinions, feelings, why am I talking it seriously, acting seriously and respond like it's the end of the world...? Why so serious me???? arr ha!! Now I know why my friends not responding to my words nor talking to me!

Sorry to all my friends. I know I've been saying this (changing myself) for such a long time, but most of you did not see any changes/improvement in me. That's because I am working hard on the WRONG thing, trying hard to change the WRONG thing, using the WRONG way.. sigh... pathetic.

Now that I realize what exactly I should change, I am going to start on this! Please give me one more chance to make this friendships work! please please please. It may take a longer time, but I really want to change this awkward feeling when we are having outing/hang out session.

I am serious about making myself not-so-serious. What the hell? ok, make it this way: I am serious about changing my serious thoughts to not-so-serious. .......... What is that????????????

Alright~ alright. Let's just make it simple:

I am going to make myself more relax, and enjoy every meet-up session without thinking too much anymore.

This sounds better.

Friends, I really do appreciate our friendships. Please gimme one more chance. Just one more. If what I realized(being too serious) is not the thing that make you all upset, please let me know what is the exact thing that make you all so upset to me. Please please please please.... Thank you my friends. I love you, all of you!