Single

I miss being alone.
Eating alone in random restaurant~
watching movie alone~
hanging with guys~ hanging with girls~
cooking for one~
no conflict~ no sharing

NO need to think of others's preference.
NO need to follow other's choice.
NO need to tolerate.

Awwhhh~ I miss being alone.
Being alone doesn't mean I am lonely~
I am enjoying it!!!!
Can I be single again?
...

written on 22 September 2013

quite emotional though, 

felt like loosing freedom...

My Relationship

A quiet and relaxing Saturday makes me think.
A quiet and relaxing Saturday makes me write...

"Relationship thinggie" is .. annoying me recently.
Until the extend of considering to be back to single,
thinking of, being single is so much easier, simple and relaxing!

I was confused with my feelings, 
I try to make it clear but the thing is, 
it is not consider 'feel' if everything is VERY clear.. TOO clear...
feeling... is abstract.

Anyway, I got the feeling back~
and I hope this feel does not disappear in any time soon,
or I should use the word, never? 
I hope the feel I had in me will never disappear.

Thanks to Mr boyfriend,
he makes me think deeply about this relationship...
he told me how he feels and what was he thinking..
The more he tells, the more I get to understand him...
and I feel touched.

I am sorry for being so selfish...
thank you for the care,
and all the love you gave me, Mr boyfriend.

I love you.

感觉不见了?

感觉，很抽象。
难以解释，
我无法用言语去形容。

我的感觉不见了。
在一起的时候，
不快乐的日子比快乐的日子来得多，很多。
多到我觉得烦。

我常说的，两个人在一起，
需要互相谅解、要互相迁就。
但是谅解和迁就的背后，是需要感觉去推动的。
没了感觉，也就没有了去谅解和迁就的的理由。
到最后，还是成了接受和忍耐。
一个人的接受度和忍耐度是有极限的。
没有了推动力，也没有了理由，
那为什么还要接受？为什么还要忍耐？

我想说，我的感觉消失了，没有了。
就这样，我的感觉不见了。
或许那感觉，其实一开始就不存在...

5 days

It has been 5 days...

no message, no calls, no meet ups...

no news from you at all...

guess what?

yea...

after 5 days,

I thought of you today.

And I.... am...

I am

...

...

Ooooo...

oh my dear...

haha~

after 5 days.

hmm...

come back !!!

... 闷 ...

怎么... 忽然...

我会觉得... 孤独？

感觉上...周围突然 剩下我一个人？

我空虚... 无聊... 无奈...

我的心... 好寂寞...

嗯... 我难过...

“有等于没有”的感觉又回来了。

我不喜欢，我想停止。

太多不满，太多埋怨，

我觉得自己很烦，

自己给自己烦恼。

... 闷 ...

Dinner time!

After 14 days of holidays~ I am back to work! Yesterday was my 1st day of work after the sweet-relaxing-14-holidays of mine. And yeaap! It was also the 1st meet up between Mr. boyfriend's family members and my family members.

Early in the morning, I wasn't asleep until 5am.. I had insomnia I think... After sleeping for 2 hours+, I went to workplace and start working until about 3pm. After 4pm, I start to feel a bit anxious about the dinner... How will it be? What will happen? Will it be awkward? Or awesome? Are they going to talk to each other or remain silent? A lot of questions flying in my mind after 4pm. Few hours later.... it was time to go for the dinner. Hmmm... IT'S TIME! Nervous... me.

We had our dinner in a Hakka style restaurant and the restaurant is quite far from my house... about 40minutes drive (without traffic jam) through LDP highway but u know LDP... So at the end, yea, we were late by minutes... because of the traffic jam.. ISH!

Awkward time came... I feel awkward when that part... where my parents say hi to Mr. boyfriend's parents, shaking hands... that is so... AWKWARD!!! ok, maybe I am just feeling shy... I don't exactly know why. After the "Hi, how are you" session, it's time to eat!

Went into the restaurant, ordered food. During ordering time, conversation mode on~ everyone was talking to everyone~ It's a good sign... good. After order, conversation remains~ good! At least no one being left out. Food served, eating and talking in the same time... conversation continue~~ after dinner, the conversation seems ... can't be stopped. Everyone was talking non-stop, sharing opinions, discussing from politics to education to food to... about any topic... almost every topic we could think of! The conversation ends when restaurant is about to close.

It was fun looking at them having their conversation. Somehow in the middle I felt a bit shy... when they were talking about me... For me, I find it was a relaxing and fun dinner~ I gain a lot of info through their conversations. I love it! I just love to listen to people's conversation. Let's do this again some other time in the future ~~~ Mr. boyfriend! hahaha~

Good Temper

Since Saturday, I'd been hanging around with mr. boyfriend and his family members. I notice all of them are optimist, humor, kind and warmth. I love to listen to their conversations because it's funny and quite informative sometimes. It was fun hanging out with them~

One thing I need to learn from them, is their good temper. I notice all of them are quite patient and gentle, they don't get annoyed easily and they rarely have arguments during conversation, even if they do have arguments, they did not raise up their voice easily like my family always does. My family raise up their voice easily especially when we have some arguments or disagreement on the same topic/issue, no hard feelings, that's just our way of communication~ hehe. unique~

Tonight, both mr. boyfriend and my parents are going to meet each other for the first time. I wonder what will happen... awkward? awesome? I don't know... we'll see... I'll see... hmm.. hmm hmm...

Darling

I know you are busy working right now,

I know you can't confirm when will you finish your work,

I know you can't promise to meet me later,

I understand.

That's why I didn't nag,

I know I can't force you to leave your work and come to me,

I can't be that selfish...

the only thing I can do is wait for you..

silently.

haha,

maybe not that silent.

Ah dear... darling...

I miss you very very much!!

I didn't meet you for days... since... Sunday?

hahaha, I thought it was very long but...

just 2 days... ...?

why do I miss you that much?

hahahaha.

Ah... I miss your hug...

miss your kiss...

miss your... everything!

Hope to see you tonight.

9 Nov 2011 "present/gift"

Are you still missing that person? that "she"...?

I don't feel comfortable right now.

I don't know who is she,

but I am sure she is still living somewhere in your heart.

her shadow appear in your blog, sometimes in your words,

even in your mind... silently... without U noticing it...

You honestly tell me that you are thinking of her when you were with me last time...

You are very honest, I appreciate your honesty.

But it hurts, the truth hurts.

Do you know how sad am I when I get to know that?

When I read what you wrote?

I don't think you have any idea about that.

After reading that message...

I observe, I see, I feel...

I become alert and sensitive on your expression and words.

I don't feel good. Jealous maybe?

I am feeling uncomfortable.

I feel like she is still in your mind...

I feel like you are looking at me... but thinking of her!

You are not 100% with me....

IShhh!!!!!! I cannot take it!!

I can't accept you to have another girl in your heart other than me..

no, cannot. you can only put me in,

there's no more space for another girl.

Even if there are spaces, I do not allow!!

(girlfriend has the rights right???)

If I cannot conquer the whole heart,

I rather choose to leave.

Tell me you miss her again and I tell you, I will leave you.

I don't feel safe with you.

I feel like you are just finding someone to replace that "she" in your heart.

I am not a back up person! I am not a replacement!

I am quite shock! And honestly, your honesty this time, hurts me.

Usually I will say "I rather choose to be hurt than dunno what happen"

but this time... for the very first time,

I rather choose not to know what happen than getting hurt.

He Jealous

Ooooo...???

huh...?

what????

hahahaha!!

he is jealous~~

he told me he is~~~

jealous~~~~

feeling jealous~

jealous~ jealous~

bwahaha...

I find it cute!!

I am so bad.

I know I am bad.

hehehehe~

He is cute!!!

I love you,

dear, darling~

there's nothing to be jealous about.

^^

but yet, I love you even more when you told me that.

hahaha~~

can't wait to hug you~

tight!!

muaxxx~

好一个 “好久不见”

“好久不见。”

“真的好久了哦...有两年了吧。”

“嗯...两年...”

“... ...”

真的好久不见了，

我没有想到再次相见时，

看着他，我的心跳还是像以往那样，跳的那么的快！

我到底在紧张些什么？

不瞒大家，也不掩饰自己，

其实近来，我的脑子里偶尔会出现他的影子，

只是没想到，今天真的给我碰见他！

看着他的双眼...

嗯，黑眼圈深了...

头发有点乱...

可是那股吸引我的气质还在...

所以我很紧张！

脑子不知道该说什么，

结果还重复了一些对白...

竟然在我刚睡醒，

迷迷糊糊的时候让我碰见他...

我顿时觉得害羞，

（怎么会在我状态那么差的时候碰到？）

有想躲避的念头...

可最后还是硬着头皮开始了对话：

“哈咯，好久不见”

...

...

聊了几句后，

各自回到自己的座位享用晚餐，

沟通结束。

再次遇到的感觉，

是紧张且害羞的...

挺不好意思...也不敢直视他的眼睛...

很自然的...脑里浮现了我们的过去...

也很自然的，脑里冒出隐性天平，

开始比较过去和现在...

嗯...

...

好想告诉 Mr. Boyfriend...

我遇到了以前的那个他...

我有点错乱的感觉...

我感觉怪怪的...

我...

...

.

Anxiety

I am afraid.

I am scared.

I am feeling..

unsure..

unsafe...

fear...

It's not that I have something in my mind,

and it's certainly not about my work.

It's just a feel...

and...

I am feeling anxious...

"What happen?"

You asked me...

I ... have no answer.

"nothing..."

I said.

"Are you ok?"

Again you asked...

and again, I ... have no answer.

"I am ok..."

I said.

Maybe it's because of...

(13 August 2011)

My body's natural reaction...?

My body refuse to have physical connection with you after...

I found out that...

my psychology ... is not ready...

I feel shy...

I feel blush when you looked at me...

I feel shy when you wanted to kiss me...

I don't dare to look at you...

because I feel unease...

I feel scared when you hugged me...

just... a lot of anxiety in me..

Sorry dear.

I'll let you know once I am fine,

once my psychology is ready.

I don't think I am ok right now.

because right now, I am still feeling...

anxious...

very.

But dear,

don't you worry about me,

I will be fine very soon~~

I know.

Cheers~~

Yesterday ... night ...

you and me...

we were together~

holding each other's hand...

Do you know...?

I love your hug~

I love your kiss~

and I love your touch...

it was so gentle and respectful...

You handle me with care~

and that's what I want.

Thank you, dear.

I love you~

Please take care of my heart...

it's belongs to you now..

亲爱的~~~

偶尔撒娇一下~~

其实还蛮好玩的~~

呵呵~~

哦！？

原来我也会制造情趣的噢~！

呵呵呵~~~

想想...

我也不差嘛!

哈！

亲爱的~~~

我爱你~~

偶尔玩一玩亲亲~

也是一种情趣，不是吗？

呵呵~~

偶尔来个深情之吻~

啊~~~！

好害羞... 害羞..

羞羞...

哈哈哈。

EeSoon在发侨。

泪

昨晚流泪了，

心是累的，

为什么？

不懂。

为什么？

我不知道。

可是泪流了，

泪就是流了下来！

今早起床，

头是痛的，

眼睛肿肿，

原因何在？

昨夜之泪...

吧。

我到底怎么了？

失落

很想你。

今晚特别的想你。

不要离开我，可以吗？

我知道不可以...可是我还是想说，

不要走...不要走...

不要离开我...

今晚的感觉很强烈，

你离开后，我突然感到失落...

突然感到不安...

突然...

为什么今晚的我那么感性？

好想流泪...但为什么呢？

我怎么了？

亲爱的

突然，

就突然的，

就很突然的...

我想你，

很想你；

很想念你。

为啥？

不知道。

此时此刻，

就是...

想着你，

亲爱的。

Not Again...

May 20, year 2011 & May 21, year 2011

我不开心。

为什么我没有开心的感觉？？

为什么？

是因为期待吗？

这是第二次了。

第二次那么的失望。

真的是因为期待吗？

还是...

因为没有生日蛋糕？

因为没有生日礼物？

因为你问我要什么instead of自己去想去决定去买？

因为没有惊喜？

真的是因为这些小事吗？

可能你认为是这样吧。

其实，我也不肯定是什么导致我的不开心。

我只知道这次的失望和上次的感觉是一样的。

我渴望、我期待...

这次你叫我不要问，我没有问，就让你做安排。

可是到最后什么都没有的那种感觉，

有多空...你懂吗？

那种感觉很伤、很难形容，就...失望...?

期望越高，失望越大。

我了解。

所以我没有期待，也没有渴望些什么啊。

就...

至少给我一些...

我不知道，就... ...一些...

... ?

少了，少了。

就是少了些东西。

我真的真的说不出是什么。

就真的，少了。

我难过。

对，我是伤心的。

没想到，相隔四年后，

又是个不开心的生日。

U

U..

You you you...

it's you!

You are the one!

You...

you.

有些感觉是言语无法形容的...

我满足、我幸福~~

谢谢。

Melt~

Melting~~

I am melting~~

My heart is melting~~

I feel like my body is melting~~

"EeSoon!!"

"You think you are an ice-cream??"

"hello~~~~ wake up!!!!!!!!!!"

"....what happen to you...?"

...

.