Sunday, November 13, 2011

Somehow... somehow...

I just went through FB and saw a picture of my friend. Somehow, I felt that we are not as close as we were before. Sometimes I felt like she is a stranger to me... how sad is that... We used to be so close... what change that? Previously, I thought it was me but now, I don't think so it's all because of me. She has changed.

Now that I have a boyfriend and my career has some changes, I wish to share with her about it and how I wish she can share with me about what she has been through recently too but... but but... there's always a but. But I don't dare to call her. Somehow I feel that she doesn't care and not willing to tell/share about her life to anyone including me any more.

I feel like I don't know who she is any more. Is it because of lack communication or... we just don't feel like want to bother each other any more? Or is it just merely because we are both busy and have no time to contact each other? I wonder..

I miss her very much. Hope to just give her a call and crap about almost everything on phone. But somehow, I don't think she wants that, she gives me the feeling that she feels annoyed and wasting time talking on phone with me? I don't know... I just got that feeling. What will happen if I call her now? hmm... I don't dare... still.

I just want to say that, I miss her very much. I miss her voice, miss the cheerful laugh of hers and the excitement feeling of sharing each other happiness and sadness. I really do miss all that.

Whenever I am happy or sad, she is the first person I think of to share. It is always her... since I was 13 until now, never changed. But.. something has block me to contact her. I feel stress when I talk to her... I felt afraid, uncomfortable, pressure, tied, worry, doubt, fake, bored... more negative feels than the positive ones... how sad.

How I wish we can talk freely like we used to be... no boundaries~ no partition, no critics, no comparison, no hard feelings... just be ourselves!

Maybe I just couldn't accept the real ... her. Or maybe I couldn't accept the real.. me. hmm... Somehow... somehow...